Mother’s Day comes every year, and every year as it get’s closer it fills me with anxiety and sadness. To top it off I get invited to all kinds of things and to spend mother’s day with others. However, no one ever understands why I don’t want to go with them to their Mother’s Day functions. I am happy for them and they can continue to celebrate, but I know that there are others out there like me that wait for the day to pass. I usually have a drink and toast My Guardian Angel for most of the day. So if you ever wonder what I am doing on Mother’s Day. I am drinking, whatever my drink of choice is for that year. (This year it will be pineapple or watermelon margaritas.)
I get alot of “Remember your last Mother’s Day with her” and “Think of the last time you were with your Mom”. (I tend to get upset when I hear these things, but try not to show it)
Here’s my story, about “My last Mother’s day with my Mom” or “The last time I was with My Mommy”. My mother passed away May 25, 1999. Some things that you would like to forget can be burned into your memory. Let me share part of this and maybe you will understand.
The day before my last Mother’s Day with my Mother I woke up to My father calling me and saying come to our room. “Something is wrong with your Mom, so I need you to help me until I can get some more help.” My Mother was laying in bed, eyes open not speaking and not moving. Dad gave me a basin and said wash your Mom up and I am going to get someone to help me get her to the hospital. (He knew that Mom always said if she had to go to the hospital don’t call the ambulance because she didn’t ever want to go in one. I feel the same way.) So in tears, I got to work and washed my Mom up and put her on something over her gown. She looked at me as if she wanted to say something but the words were not coming out. I was wondering if she had a stroke or something. The guys arrived and helped my Dad carry her to the truck where they rushed to the hospital. She was admitted and this would be the last day that I saw my Mommy at home. The day progressed and they admitted my Mom into ICU at hospital. They said that her blood pressure and blood sugar was too high and that was what caused this and she didn’t have a stroke.
The interesting this was the day before this, I wanted to go and pick up My Mom a Mother’s day card that told her how I felt about her in words and how much I loved her. This was an extensive card. It talked about how beautiful a Mother’s Love is and how no one could ever replace her. I held the card that night and once they said she was in ICU I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go up that night, but maybe she would be better tomorrow I thought.
So Mother’s day morning I got up bright and early and was waiting to hear my Mother’s voice. I knew that she was in the hospital so I waited as long as I could to call at a reasonable hour. I called the hospital operator and asked to be transfered to my Mom’s ICU nurse. The nurse says, ” I know it’s Mother’s Day”, but she isn’t talking. Me: “If I could just read her this card I got her, it would make my day, please”. The nurse agreed to take the phone to the room and put it up to her ear. I read the card and even though she wasn’t speaking she belted out the words “That’s pretty”, I then told her that I was coming to see her. So later on that day I asked my Dad to take me to see her. He did. I was standing there looking at my Mom hooked up to everything and wanting to talk to her. She saw me come to the room and starting “talking in some foreign gibberish”, and was trying to make me feel better and it wasn’t working because I couldn’t understand a word that she was saying. So I hugged her and told her I loved her and that I would come back another day.
So spare me the “remember your last mother’s day”….It is something that I will never forget.
After that day she started back talking and was back to her regular self but was still in the hospital. She had an operation and remained there for the rest of her life. So for me, Mother’s Day was the beginning of the end. That is why it doesn’t make me feel good. I know that it has been a while, and even though it gets easier, there are regular days that I celebrate her and Mother’s Day isn’t it.
For all of the one’s that say, “Remember the last time you were with her”, oh yeah I won’t forget that either.
Here is that story for you. It was Sunday, May 23, 1999. I went up to the hospital with my Dad to see my Mommy and she was there as her regular self. Sitting in the hospital bed and she was saying that she wanted to have an operation that I knew that she didn’t want to have my entire life. She was saying that she wanted to do it for me. In her words pointing to me, “Because I can’t leave her here by herself”. I walked out into the hall, and had a moment to think and to pray. At that point I knew that my Mother was speaking in a different voice than I had ever heard before. The words were coming from her mouth, but saying that she wanted to have an operation just for me, was for me the ultimate display of love over anything else. This became too heavy for me to deal with, so after this, my Dad took me home. I remember going back to hug my Mommy and that was it. The last time I saw her alive.
So yeah, I don’t knock anyone that wants to celebrate Mother’s Day, it’s your right to do so. However, if you are someone that has lost their mother and you don’t feel like celebrating I understand and I will have a toast to you too, when I have my drink.
Maybe, one day a happy image will pop into my head, but until then. I thank you for the invites, but I enjoy letting my mind take me into whatever space it wants to be in during this time. I have overcome a lot of pain, but evey year a little weird feeling comes over me, so don’t think that it is because I am being rude or hateful. I just don’t feel like being overly emotional in a public space, I like to control my environments during this time. Enjoy your day though.
That’s all for now.